I wish I was better at generating my own happiness today, there isn’t any outside.
Some things from the past week:
The flights there and back actually felt pretty short.
When I had to make a connection in Houston, I was freaking out about finding a different terminal and all that, but I ended up getting right back on the plane I’d arrived on.
At the New Orleans airport Sean and I did a run-hug-spin greeting. AHH SO HAPPY. We were so grinny waiting to get my suitcase. The drive back to his house was full of warm gusts of wind through the windows, palm trees, grassy hills, bridges over ocean water, nonstop hand holding.
That night before the 4 hour drive back to his college town, we drove to the beach and ran around in the sand and watched the sky. It was a little chilly so we went back to the car. Happy car love.
I can’t remember which day this was, but we went biking. HOLYFUCKILOVEBICYCLES. It was windy and warm and fantastic.
Waking up in his white room with a white sheet over the window, listening to birds and cars and Sean breathing. Watching sun creep in, and wind make the curtain move.
Frying eggs and bacon on his crappy stove, sitting in the falling apart kitchen chairs, watching sun on the balcony, trying to reach a foot into a sunbeam.
We probably annoyed Zack to death with our couple-y-ness and beating each other up and whatnot (SORRY ZACK!). It was fun watching Sean and Zack interact. They made me laugh a lot.
Sun bathing on chair cushions on the balcony, watching clouds and listening to people and cars.
Watching Sean, Zack, and Stephen trip out all night. “Everything is subjective”.
While lying in bed in the dark, Sean still tripping:
Sean: “I feel like our bodies are gone and it’s just our minds here now”
Me: “HEY, I know how you feel!”
Sean: *Turns lamp on really fast, shocked/worried face suddenly dissolves into relief* “OHTHANKGOD you’re still here.”
Bassnectar concert: This one guy got really drunk right before the 2.5 hour car trip to Birmingham and puked on the side of Jeff’s car an hour in. Sean and I painted our white t-shirts with face paint and glow-stick fluid. The concert was 5 hours of WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP and dancing. I’ve been thoroughly womped out for the next reallyreally long while.
Getting frozen yogurt at this really sweet place where you choose how much/what kind/combo of flavors you want, add your own toppings & weigh it to see how much it costs. SO YUMMY.
Nerf gun battles.
A bunch of other happy thingssss!
I hate wanting to sleep, but I’ve been so sad that sleeping is all I want to do for now.
Okay so before I forget everything I felt, and because I’m sad about leaving a Sean and need a distraction currently, I’m going to document my experience with mdma.
Aiight, so Sean and I went to a nature reserve just outside of his town. We walked around and spied on deer through binoculars. Thennnn I took the pill. Which sort of sucked because I fail at swallowing pills, so I had to dance around a lot and then I kind of bit it which made me taste the chemicals a bit. But I did it.
We walked around a bit more and sat in sun patches. At this point I was kind of paranoid that I would have an allergic reaction, or that something would go crazy wrong, so I was psyching myself out and checking my pupils every other minute.
We walked out onto this gazebo overlooking a swamp, and I suddenly felt it hit. Everything suddenly got brighter, my vision seemed to open up wider, and everything sparkled more. Not sparkley in a good or bad way, just in a being way. Anyways I got crazy dizzy, felt weak (possibly from psyching myself out - it’s happened before), so I sat down with my head against Sean’s chest for a while (maybe 10 minutes?) as I started feeling waves of nausea. Oh oh also, when the dizziness first hit, it was reallly strange because I could feel the chemicals crawling up the left side of my brain. It was weird because it felt like the way it tasted when I’d bit the pill open a little by accident.
So at this point with my body curled against Sean, I was sure I was having an aneurysm or something and I just wanted it all to stop. Finally, with Sean reassuring me the whole time, the dizziness slowed and I could look around with brightened vision at everything. The nausea was slowing down and I was now cold. We walked back to Sean’s car, and all I wanted to do was sit.
We drove around the forest paths and I slowly grew comfortable with this new mind state.
Okay okay, so the really interesting part was the whole mind/body separation. At first I felt myself losing my body, and I felt the urge to fight it - I wasn’t ready for that yet. But I slowly got used to it and suddenly it felt like I was just inhabiting my body. Just me, no body, no physical brain. My limbs stopped feeling like mine. I couldn’t stop touching my body, running my hands over my face & whatnot. I took off my ring and thought “this can’t be mine, it’s crazy tiny”. I was completely calm at this point, everything mellowed out into an absoluteeee calm.
The other really exciting part was how I had lost all the distracting emotions and feelings. Like there had always been a crumpled up candy wrapper in the centre of my brain. It had always been there, but all of a sudden it had been removed.
I was just calm. The rest of my mind that felt like the very basic me was allowed to think freely.
I felt as light as the air around me, maybe even lighter, like I could float to wherever I wanted to go.
Something that made me really happy about this was that I found that love is not a crinkly thing. I looked at Sean and no longer felt any extremely happy “EEE I LOVE YOUU” feeling, or “I wanna do youuu”, but the love was still there, all steady and calm and just this nice presence.
It was weird because I could look at everything subjectively. I could analyze myself, not feel bad or sad or awkward.
Sean and I had a really good talk about things, and it was amazing since because I was viewing everything subjectively, he put himself in that mindset too, and wasn’t too upset at anything we talked about.
Another weird thing:
My voice changed. I couldn’t even help it, it just did. Back in elementary school, Bianca and I used to talk in this weird sarcasticish accent until it just became part of the way I speak now. But when I took this, my voice went back to normal. It was reallly strange. I can’t get it to go back to normal again anymore though. I also noticed that I talked through my teeth a lot. Teeth grinding side-effect? Maybe I just didn’t feel the connection to my body enough to make my mouth move? Everything sounded normal though.
Also it was like the filter in my brain that makes me a quiet person was removed. I talked and talked and talked.
Sean felt weird to touch too, like his body was there, but he was really inside his body, like he didn’t actually need it to exist. I kept touching his face and arms too.
We went back to his apartment and I laid on the couch with blankets, being abnormally cold and too exhausted to walk anywhere. I talked to Sean and Zack, and then Stephen stuck his head in the door.
I was afraid he would be crazy or something, when I really needed a calm environment. Sean told him what was up, and I asked Stephen straight up if he didn’t like me or something, because I’d sometimes gotten vibes from him that felt like I was in the way, or just ‘Sean’s girlfriend’ or something. Anyways I’m glad I asked, because he said he does like me & all that.
Anyways, the rest of the night I just laid on the couch under a blanket and relaxed. It was nice.
The only sort of lame thing was the return of my body. Originally I’d been afraid to lose it, but I had gotten used to the feeling and was really enjoying just feeling out my brain, I really did just feel like a floating ball of energy (I’ve had this thing for the past few years where I’d wish that people would just become soul bubbles and float around Earth - so it was reallllly cool to actually feel that way). But my body was slowly reattaching itself, I could feel how things “really” felt through my fingers again, and it was kind of sad. But also a good thing.
I think it was good for me to feel two sides of things, and it helped me to appreciate the mind and the body more. It helped me think things out completely subjectively, and I think it was good for Sean to hear my subjective thoughts.
Sooo yeah, there’s probably more that I just forgot about, but yee.
I do really think this should be used as a therapeutic drug. I think it would probably be realllly helpful for someone like my sister who probably has 60x the amount of crinkle in her brain.
I don’t feel like I have to or want to do it again. It would be interesting to see someone else’s reaction while on it though.
The next day I still felt lacking in energy. I expected to be sort of sad or something the next day, but nope.
This was interesting because it was not at all what I was expecting. I had expected a ridic happy euphoric feeling, that I would want to run around in the outdoors and have a bunch of sex or something. Not the case at allll, but I enjoyed it.
Umm yesterday I got convinced to go to karaoke again. It was actually pretty fun this time, and some people at the table bought us 2 rounds (right before Bianca wanted to leave). I had all this drunken energy that I really didn’t want to waste on sleeping, so I went to Ryan’s, ate a ton of ice cream & froot loops, spun around in a spinny chair, started beating him up but only ended up hurting myself, and listened to dancey music REALLYLOUD through some headphones. I became Drunk Emotional Rachel too.
Moral of the story: Do not let a Drunken Rachel crash at your house.
I woke up at 8am and was too excited to go back to sleep so I ate more froot loops until I got a ride home.
I AM CURRENTLY PACKINGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
Allison and I got haircuts simultaneously today. The hairdresser chick chopped off a lotttt of my hair, sad.
ENERGY nnd BEINBG FED ALCOHOL AND A SEAN IN A DAY AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I keep having recurring bad dreams. Last night was really bad, I woke up this morning and my heart hurt like crazy.
I want to collapse like a pile of goo.
The next 3 days are going to be painfulllll to get through.
Last night we played Worst Case Scenario at Allison’s. One of the questions was “How to avoid being abducted by aliens”. Just so you know, the answer was: “Direct your thoughts at the aliens, and think ‘I have a virus!’”. So glad I am now prepared for abduction.
I started feeling sick last night too, and passed out on Allison’s couch. Her and Bianca were playing Brian’s rap music from many years ago, so I fell asleep to: “niggas on ma dick, niggas on ma dick, fuck that shit, fuck that shit.” That shit is now floating around somewhere in my subconscious waiting to resurface at any moment, I’m sure.
Ummm so this morning in the shower, I rubbed honey all over my face because I read some shit about how honey gives you glow-y skin. Yeaah, don’t think it worked.
Going through all my downloads & clearing them out, I found all the recordings Sean sent me from a tripping-out session in November. I’m listening to them while I study. Apparently he saw my nostrils in giant glowing pink neon, umm heck yeahh!
I also think my subconscious just finds it comforting having his apartment noises in the background.
Last night I had wanted to go to a folk metal concert with Allison & Alex so we could all be angry about being alone on valentines. Except not really, I just thought it would be a ridiculous time to go to a metal show. Buuuut we didn’t actually go. Tickets were $30 and we are all brokeass mothereffers.
We went to Broken City instead, and got there just in time to pay $5 to watch the last 10 minutes of a comedy show. (scammers.) We were pretty much the last people to leave the bar. VAT IS THERE TO DO ON A MONDAY NIIIGHT!?
Facebook status update from this guy I dated before:
“Dis and relocated 2 ribs at a folk metal show and lost both my ear rings good show I would say hell yeah”
This man is a giant. So pretty much I think we would have died had we gone.
Apparently Bianca’s manager pulled her aside at work and offered to pay her $2000 to adopt her baby. First of all: WTFFF MANAGER???, 2nd: $2000, really? That’s what a life is worth to you? (also bribing someone for a life doesn’t give off the greatest impression), 3rd: This sounds kind of illegal, and selling babies is not part of Bianca’s job description.
So anyways, yeah, Bianca was just a little bit mad about that. Crazy infertile women.
I am insanely worried about finding a job in the States this summer. If I can’t, I only get to be with Sean for like 2 weeks. Then I have to wait to February to be with him again. Sooo sort of a big deal.
Grahhhjf I just feel like there are a seriously limited number of jobs available in the first place, and why would anyone give a job to me when they could give it to someone who is actually a resident of their country? Also I have zero means of transportation while there.
Basically I think I’m fucked. I’m not buying a plane ticket until I know whether or not I have a job.
On a happy note, I had some tasty food at a restaurant called Aladdin. Supposedly they have a belly dancer perform on weekends. So sad we missed that.
Today I was in a super strange mood. I think it was all the caffeine i drank at work, plus probably also the giant cupcake I had.
Anyways, I felt like I was in a movie where I was the main character with a obsessive psychological disorder. I was chilling in a bathroom stall in the mall and suddenly my eyes wouldn’t stop focusing on the coat/purse-hanger-y thing. I kept zooming my eyes in and out, and I had this weird thought that maybe I was secretly a fly.
Later on, I was walking down a super long corridor behind this one chick. Her hair was in a bun on top of her head, but the bun looked like it had wings. It looked like a bat. With every step she took, the wings would flap, flap, flap, flap. IT WAS MESMERIZINGGG.
My head was narrating everything to me.
Later later on, the meth dealer I work with started saying RA RA RA over and over, so I started singing Lady GaGa. Apparently that’s weird.
But mostly I just wanted to throw in that I work with a meth dealer.
Today I knocked 4 cupcakes onto the floor and felt horribly sad about it.
I also dropped & exploded an entire non-fat milk jug and didn’t feel anything.
I miss nights with a Sean. I hardly ever venture downtown anymore.
I re-created a Sean vibe the other day by accident.
It was on the hour & a half transit ride back home from school. The sun was going down, I had Fever Ray turned way up on my ipod, cold air was blowing through an open window and it smelled like melting snow.
Shisha smell makes me think of him too.
I remember one of the first times I hung out with him, we went to a hookah bar and sat on a giant floofy couch. I’d had so many cups of coffee that day (and was working on another one) that my hands were shaking. I remember being afraid he would think I was just super nervous around him.
I miss sitting on his bed while eating ice cream and drinking straight from a bottle of wine. We were classy motherfuckers.